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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Paddy asks Murphy “what’s that gong for you have hanging on the wall?”

“That’s my speaking clock” replies Murphy.

“How does that work?” asks Paddy.

Murphy opens a drawer and gets out a hammer and thumps the gong, and a voice replies…”for God’s sake not again its 2 o clock in the feckin morning !!!​
 
A bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

As she produced a large syringe to give him an aesthetic shot, the bloke protested, "Sorry, no way, no needles! I just hate needles!"

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, but again he said, "No, no, I can't do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”

The dentist then asked if he had any objections to taking pills.

"No problem at all," he said, "I'm fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills which he swallowed Promptly... "What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied casually.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"Actually it doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out..​
 
Warning, dad joke alert.........

A child come home from school and says 'I learned a new joke at school today'
Dad says 'Ok, let's hear it'
The child asks 'What goes in hard but comes out soft?'
Dad sat for a few moments and then said 'Is it a - '
Before he could finish his wife comes running in from another shouting 'SPAGHETTI, it's SPAGHETTI'
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands free speaker. Everyone else stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello.”
WOMAN: “Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I found one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Lexie and found out the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK! I’ll see you later. I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room stare at him in total shock.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”​
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand​
 
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
 
A young lady goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, 'I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!'
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The not very intelligent young lady replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the not very intelligent young lady says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
The not very intelligent young lady hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."​
 
You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!​
 
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A young Aussie lady was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the pearly gates.

"I'm sorry, St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly arrivals."
"That's cool" said the Aussie, "What does the entrance exam consist of ?"
"Just three questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?" asked the Aussie.

"The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
The second is " How many seconds are there in a year ?"
The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So the young lady went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Aussie and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."
'Well then, said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Aussie said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions" St Peter went on, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Twelve", She replied,
"Only twelve" exclaimed St Peter, " How did you arrive at that figure?"
"Easy,' said the Aussie, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."
St Peter looked at the Aussie and said, " I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision & the context in which it was given. "And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Aussie. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
The young Aussie replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "and what is the answer ?"
"It's Andy."
"Andy??"
"Yes, Andy," she said.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the young lady and asked, "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
"Easy" she said, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited for his billy to boil." (Aussie bush mans song)​
 
Two old stockmen are sitting on the veranda of their outback town’s pub having a beer when they get to talking about the merits of their cattle dogs and which was the better, more intelligent, dog. They decide to settle the matter.

The younger drover, Bluey (so named because of his red hair), says to his mate, “Watch this”. He then addresses his dog, “Jack, I’m hungry !”

Jack looks at his master briefly and then takes off. Out into the street he runs, turns right and lopes down to Mrs Jones house, into her back yard and wriggles under the chook-house fence. Jack carefully takes a hen’s egg in his mouth and heads off. Arriving back at the pub, Jack gathers some wood, a billy and some water, he lights a fire and boils the egg exactly for 2 minutes for his master. Jack takes the egg out of the water and lays it at his masters feet.

“What d’ya reckon about that ?” says the proud dog-owner, Bluey.

“Not bad”, drawls his older mate, Bruce, as he sips his beer. He turns to his dog and says softly, “Sam, I need something to eat too”.

His dog immediately runs off down the street. About 5 minutes later he is back, also carefully carrying a hen’s egg. He, too, gathers wood, boils the billy and produces a perfect two-minute cooked egg which he lays at Bruce’s feet and then he stands on his head.

“Perfect”, says Bluey, “Exactly the same as my dog, but why is he standing on his head?”

“Oh”, says the older man, “He knows I don’t have an egg cup!”​
 
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