Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

[Aussie67]

Paddy asks Murphy “what’s that gong for you have hanging on the wall?”

“That’s my speaking clock” replies Murphy.

“How does that work?” asks Paddy.

Murphy opens a drawer and gets out a hammer and thumps the gong, and a voice replies…”for God’s sake not again its 2 o clock in the feckin morning !!!​

 

[Aussie67]

A bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

As she produced a large syringe to give him an aesthetic shot, the bloke protested, "Sorry, no way, no needles! I just hate needles!"

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, but again he said, "No, no, I can't do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”

The dentist then asked if he had any objections to taking pills.

"No problem at all," he said, "I'm fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills which he swallowed Promptly... "What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied casually.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"Actually it doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out..​

 

[Aussie67]

Warning, dad joke alert.........

A child come home from school and says 'I learned a new joke at school today'
Dad says 'Ok, let's hear it'
The child asks 'What goes in hard but comes out soft?'
Dad sat for a few moments and then said 'Is it a - '
Before he could finish his wife comes running in from another shouting 'SPAGHETTI, it's SPAGHETTI'

 

[Aussie67]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands free speaker. Everyone else stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello.”
WOMAN: “Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I found one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Lexie and found out the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK! I’ll see you later. I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room stare at him in total shock.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”​