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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Aussie67

Aussie67

Well-Known Member
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburettor.

Last year on a bitterly cold winter's day, a motorcycle cop on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

What's the matter? asked the cop
Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.
Piss on it. That'll thaw it out.
I can't," said the biker.
OK, watch me closely and I'll show you. The cop unzipped and promptly warmed the carburettor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local police station received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: On behalf of my daughter Jill..........
 
Had your Christmas Party yet, just remember these Time-Honored Truths

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.​
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.​
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One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.​
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.​
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.​
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I doubt, therefore I might be.​
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Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.​
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Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.​
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Women like silent men, they think they're listening.​
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Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.​
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.​
 
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

That's quite a coincidence, said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. How do you start a flood? he asked.
 
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman. "Fair enough" says the boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99".

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go".

The boss scratches his head and says "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99".

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred".

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers "A little dog come along and poops by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
 
A woman is driving towards home from work, In Northern Arizona, when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.

Knowing the trip will be long, she stopped the car and asked the woman to get in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances suspiciously at a brown bag in the front of the seat between them.

If you're wondering what's in the bag, offers the woman, it's a bottle of wine. I got for my husband.

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and said, hmmm good trade.
 
My buddy Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a huge fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:
- To learn how to invest his massive inheritance.
- To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like just an ordinary guy, he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 200 million.

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at forward planning than men.
 
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells an officer, you shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted

The officer laughs, saying, are you kidding?, he just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell.

Bullshit, the woman says, he just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months.
 
Yesterday my wife suggested I do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys of my own age.

I did this, and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She said Are you nuts? You're 60 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier
 
A trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road.

He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!

The man on the highway looks up and says, Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.
 
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when
he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

Allen
 
Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

“My dear, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he said.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

“That’s wonderful. How much does he send you?” the priest asked. “He sends me $2,000 a week,” she replied proudly.

“Your son is very successful,” said the priest. “What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is a very honourable profession,” the priest assured her.

“Where does he practice?”

“Well, she replied, “he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans.”
 
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles.

The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady's room.

Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing their waiting for her.

Without batting an eye, she said coyly: I'll bet none of you thought I would make it.
 
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