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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A wife complains to her husband: Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can’t you do the same?

Husband: Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
 
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that was not the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years" he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow larger over the years?"

He shrugged and replied "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He lived......... and with extensive therapy, may even walk again.
 
Sometimes I tell SWMBO these jokes. That last one will NOT be one of them!


Mark
 
I thought it was funny, but here is one you can share......

The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”

The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”

The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”
 
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile asked, Do you men know Jesus Christ?

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers asked why.

The worker yelled, His wife is here with his lunch.
 
Richard a village doctor was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. He reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, he told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.

When he got home and told his wife asked of what he had seen and done. His wife asked, "Was the patient really that bad?"

Richard said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only idiot called out on a night like this."
 
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose? asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything"
 
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! For example,

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
 
Me trying to set a new password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
 
The Biggest Vagina Nickname List
The most comprehensive vagina nickname list in the world!


vagina, pussy, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, cunt, trim, hair pie, bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani, snatch, twat, lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, fuckhole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco, cat, catcher's mitt, muff, roast beef curtains, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love hole, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot, quim, meat massager, chacha, stinkhole, black hole of calcutta, cock socket, pink taco, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush, cunny, flaps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge, the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard's sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle's doodle goes, altar of love, cupid's cupboard, bird's nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar, breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, fuck pocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia, juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. Holiest of Holies, sugar hole, The Death of Adam, home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw, Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler (Aussie), Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss Fenders, crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva, Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums, Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts, Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants (Sweden), Ninja Boot, Marcia (Aussie), Skin Canoe, Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood, Hungry Minge, Sausage Wallet, Front Bottom, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll, Bologna Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie (China), Bearded Taco, Calamari Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken's tongue, Conch shell, Crack of heaven, Dog's mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny tuft, KNISH, her asshole neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, JIZZ RECEPTICLE, The Helmut Hide-A-Way, hairy heaven, furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, arbys with fur, fish canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, Enchilada of love, Ham sandwich, Camarillo brillo, Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cooter, cream canal, poontang pie, wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, tunnel of love, slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero, meat crease, bait, birth canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail, bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park, saloon doors, pink truffle, bitter & twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon, big bud, the Wombsday Book, the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of plenty, the indoor picnic, hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with the turd kind, sperm bank, man's charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip, the one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings, field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt, devil's hole, lucy, pish buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south mouth, dick eater, wonder bread, wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher, Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater, meat curtains, ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, scunt, pee jaws, mingus, The Notorious V.A.G., stench trench, poon jab, nappy dugout, babyoven, penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, cock pocket, cha cha, the shrine, bitch ditch, fury pink mink, mammal hole, ever-lasting cum stopper, the toothless blow job, happy flappy, wilt chamberlian's daily glove, the code defierthe salt water taffy factory, mommy's pie, the easy bake oven, the deflower patch, the virginator, the schlong sucker, the dea bone patch, the vegitarian's temptation, the vegan store, the blow hole, the pump protector, bag pipe, Spitball Bullseye, meat wagon, pickle stinker, jezebel's smell, yoni, willys haven, scrumpter, peach, sweat box, yeast pocket, penis warmer, tampon tunnel, penis pothole, cucumber canal, egg drop Box, sperm shack, dick dungeon, cock curator, b.o.b.'s bungalow, mommy parts, tuna pot pie, nice slice, peter vise, cock sock, rack of clam, peters grove, penis purse, grandest canyon, fish dish, banana box, tuna spread, pink portal, count fapula, red river gorge, happy valley, revolving in/out door, baby zipper, richards house, stop-n-pop, bone polisher, packin shack, weiner wrap, clap trap, camel toe, dildo hotel, axe gash, pearl hotel, sea food six pack, clam canal, coose canal, dick deposit, wand waxer, vidgie, erie canal, candy kiss, gauntlet, round mound of beehound,lick n' stick, lap flounder, tomahawk chop, chin-chin, pachinko, cuntry pie, lip tip, the big casino, one eyed worm hole, amazon forest, cock cave, fuck donut, coochie pop, babby, wet seal, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, the unmentionable, mans ruin, peeshie, hairy potter, courtney cocksleve, panty hamster,deep pink, jaws of life, gizmo, faith, cock magnet, slippery slide, Meat tunnel, pink heaven, squid, dick basket, hot spot, poochika, pudding, bowl, love cave, squeeze-box, quim, honey pot, the bone collector, goodie basket, depository, pink turtleneck, bread-box, little debbie, pole hole, pandora's box,snail tracker, cuntzilla, homebase, pud pocket, bear trap, indian bones and the temple of poon, chanch, big montana, noochie, choot, golden valley, nappy roots, dick mitten, mystical fold

fd
 
MURPHY'S AUTOMOTIVE LAWS (Restorers edition)

1. If it can fall there will generally be an eye underneath to catch it.
2. The amount of stuff leftover after a re-install is directly proportional to the amount of trouble you are in.
3. The spanner you have just spent 10 minutes getting into position to undo a bolt is the wrong size.
4. Stainless steel washers that you bought cheap cannot be picked up by a magnetic probe.
5. No matter how many extensions and knuckles you have its not enough.
6. If the dropped nut or washer cannot be found on the floor of the garage add 1/2 hr to the job.
7. 80% of all dropped items do not fall through, the 20% of items that fall through roll away to a hidden location.
8. When that spring or circlip lets go, start looking for it on the furthest away side of the garage first and work your way back its faster to find it.
9. Insignificant noise will become attention grabbing after any unrelated mechanical work is completed.
10. That 2 person 2 minute job will take multiple attempts and 1/2 hr on your own.
11. That 2 minute 2 person job will take 45 minutes to explain if the assistant is female.
12. The capacity of that Supa Crap oil tray is 1 litre less than the capacity of the sump you are draining.
13. Engine oil sump capacity is infinite without a sump plug.
14. Hi-tension lead leakage can generally be found using exposed skin.
15. Skin cells do not regenerate if exposed to temperatures above 96 degrees C.
16. If there are sharp bits in there where you will put your hand, you will find it.
17. Beer is an essential item in any garage first aid cabinet.
* relieves hyper tension
* can be used to flush eyes
* can be used to flush blood to expose abrasions
* can be used for pain management
* can be used for anger management
* pre- medication is often advisable.

18. Profanity is tension relieving.
19. When you finally get that bit out, throwing it to the s***house is also tension relieving. (recommend not throwing it too far).
20. Going to retrieve the bit you still need, of the bit you threw to the s****house is therapeutic.
21. Finding the bit you need, damaged on the bit you threw to the s***house re-establishes tension.
22. The ability to quickly focus on and commence auto mechanical necessities often outweighs the need to change out of good clothes.
23. The transition from formal or smart casual attire to garage apparel is often accompanied by female angst.
 
A man walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it is full of $10 notes. He guesses that there must be at least $10,000 dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks what’s with the money in the jar? The bartender says if you pay $10 and you pass three tests you get to keep the money. The man asks what are the three tests?. The bartender says you gotta pay first, those are the rules. So after thinking for a while the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs in the jar.

Ok says the bartender, this is what you have to do. First you have to drink a quart bottle of tequila in less that one minute without pulling a face. Second, there is a pitbull chained up in the backyard with a sore tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third there is a 90 year old lady upstairs who has never had sex. You have to take care of this problem.

The man is stunned, I know I paid my $10 dollars but I'm not an idiot. You would have to be crazy to do all those things. Your call says the bartender but your money stays where it is.

As time goes by the man has a few drinks and finally says where is the damn tequila. He grabs the bottle in both hands and with tears streaming down his face but he doesn't pull a face and drinks it in 58 seconds.

Next he staggers out he back door where he sees the pitbull tied to a pole. Soon the people in the bar hear loud growling, screaming and the sound of a terrible fight. Then nothing but silence. Just when they think the man must be dead he staggers back into the bar, his clothes are ripped to shreds and he is bleeding from bites all over his body. He drunkenly says. Now where is that old woman with the bad tooth?
 
Rule of indoor golf.

Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.
Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins.
For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length or girth of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is usually considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will normally admire the entire course with special attention paid to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention any other course that they have played, or currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, especially on a different course being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to get irate
if they find someone else playing what they considered their own private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarassed if their course is temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternative means to play when this is the case.
It is considered the outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course hole several times in one match.
Responsible indoor golfers always use a golf bag.
Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without the express permission of the course owner.
 
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for $50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five dollars for?'
'Well,' said the blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'.
'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F*** him. Give him five bucks.'
She smiled shyly and said, ' and the breakfast was my idea.'
 
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'not that damn breathalyser test again.!!!'
 
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.
 
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