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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

“Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”
“Yes. Speaking.”
AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”
“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
“GOD! This is too much.”
“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”
“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle."​
 
HOW TO TELL BOYS AND GIRLS APART
(According to a 5-year-old.)
One chilly afternoon in November, I picked up my kindergartener from school. She climbed into the back seat, bursting with excitement.
“We learned how to tell boys and girls apart today!” she announced proudly.
Trying not to panic, I glanced in the mirror. “Oh really?” I said, bracing myself.
“Yup,” she said confidently. “Boys have a thing, and girls don’t.”
My hands tightened on the wheel. “Well... I mean… that’s... technically true,” I muttered, already regretting asking.
“And girls know boys are boys because of that thing,” she continued. “It kinda hangs down and moves when they walk.”
I suddenly wished we lived closer to school.
Then she said, “And when a boy sees a girl, he puffs up! Just like that!”
I blinked. “He… what now?”
“He puffs up! And that’s how the girl knows he likes her,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Then they get married… and then they get cooked.”
Cooked???
I was speechless. Not that I could’ve formed a sentence anyway. But once we got home, she pulled a piece of paper from her backpack.
“I drew a picture of it!”
Curious—and a little afraid—I looked.
And there it was: a big, proud, crayon-colored TOM TURKEY, all puffed up with feathers fanned and that famous red snood dangling over his beak like a badge of honor.
I laughed so hard I had to sit down.
She was slightly offended until I told her I loved it—and I truly did.
And while that was the end of it for her… I’ve never looked at turkeys, or men, quite the same way since.
 
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.

When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie."

The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book.
 
The Pope and Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand.... Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!​
 
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The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.​

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.
 
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More a Brirish joke really.

A Irishman was walking through a field and sees a man drinking from a pool of water with his hand.

He shouts "Ná ól an t-uisce, tá sé lán de chac bó" (don’t drink the water it's full of cowshit).

The man shouts back "I’m English mate, speak English, I don’t understand you"

The Irishman shouts back "Use both hands you’ll get more in"
 
Everyone - except one person - was appalled when little brother announced at a family gathering that when he grew up, he wanted to be a racist.

Big brother was smiling, because he was the one who told little brother that people who drive race cars are called racists.
 
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