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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A man was arrested for murder but bribed a member of the jury to hold out for manslaughter.The jury was out for 8 hours but when it returned the verdict was manslaughter.He smiled at the man he had bribed and whispered 'I'm really grateful,I hope it wasn't too difficult'. 'It was touch and go said Murphy, 'the others wanted to acquit you'.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Another day of life down under.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A married couple were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. We have a great relationship," the husband explained. My wife studied inter-personal relationships in college and I got a degree in Theatre Arts."
"She communicates well and I act like I'm listening"
"She communicates well and I act like I'm listening"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
SERVICE EXPLAINED.
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
Linky don't work.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Aussie football humor.
Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find themselves in Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....
"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.
Bruce says "Oh mate, we're from Australia ...we love the heat It's just like a summer's day."
Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on the two Aussies.
He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie, knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing and chatting.
"How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil.
Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually enjoying it!"
"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin . It's actually nice to have some dry heat for a change"
The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the
heat so much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if
the residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from the cold.
The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the
time of their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"
Kev says...Mate, don't you know?
Hell's frozen over!...
Collingwood must have won the Premiership!
Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find themselves in Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....
"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.
Bruce says "Oh mate, we're from Australia ...we love the heat It's just like a summer's day."
Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on the two Aussies.
He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie, knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing and chatting.
"How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil.
Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually enjoying it!"
"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin . It's actually nice to have some dry heat for a change"
The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the
heat so much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if
the residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from the cold.
The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the
time of their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"
Kev says...Mate, don't you know?
Hell's frozen over!...
Collingwood must have won the Premiership!
Mach1 Driver
Well-Known Member
Collingwood must have won the Premiership!
Is he your version of Trump?
Is he your version of Trump?
JD08
Active Member
Let me translate.
Aussie football humor.
Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find themselves in Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....
"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.
Bruce says "Oh mate, we're from Australia ...we love the heat It's just like a summer's day."
Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on the two Aussies.
He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the sausages on the grill, knocking back a couple of cans of beer in their thongs and singlets, laughing and chatting.
"How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil.
Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually enjoying it!"
"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin . It's actually nice to have some dry heat for a change"
The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the
heat so much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if
the residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from the cold.
The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the
time of their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"
Kev says...Mate, don't you know?
Hell's frozen over!...
The Detroit Lions must have won the Super Bowl!
JD08
Active Member
I used to work for a British company and one of the account managers had lived in the UK, SA, and Australia and dropped slang from all over. This was his first time living in the states and the funniest time was the look on his face when he was explaining how promotion/relegation worked in European soccer and someone asked him which team he rooted for.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
One day a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A guy was driving when he saw the flash of a camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he wasn’t speeding.
Just to be sure, He went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as
He passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
So he tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, He got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You know, you just can't fix stupid!
Just to be sure, He went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as
He passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
So he tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, He got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You know, you just can't fix stupid!
JD08
Active Member
All the body parts were having a debate as to who was the most important.
The eyes said I can see to get us where we’re going.
The ears said I can hear so we can listen so we know where to go
The nose said I can smell so we can enjoy the scents of many things.
The mouth said I can taste and eat to sustain us all
The arms said I can carry things from one place to another.
The legs said I carry all of us.
The asshole started to speak and all the other parts started to laugh. You’re just an asshole they all said
The asshole said I can clog up and make the eyes water, the ears ring, the nose run, the mouth dry, and the legs and arms weak.
Moral of the story. You don’t need special talents to be a leader. Just be an asshole.
The eyes said I can see to get us where we’re going.
The ears said I can hear so we can listen so we know where to go
The nose said I can smell so we can enjoy the scents of many things.
The mouth said I can taste and eat to sustain us all
The arms said I can carry things from one place to another.
The legs said I carry all of us.
The asshole started to speak and all the other parts started to laugh. You’re just an asshole they all said
The asshole said I can clog up and make the eyes water, the ears ring, the nose run, the mouth dry, and the legs and arms weak.
Moral of the story. You don’t need special talents to be a leader. Just be an asshole.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, “you are the reason I fight with my wife”.
He smashed the second bottle, “you are the reason I don’t love my children”.
He smashed the third bottle, “you are the reason I don’t have a decent job”.
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full.
He hesitated for only a moment and said, “you stand aside, I know you were not involved”.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, “you are the reason I fight with my wife”.
He smashed the second bottle, “you are the reason I don’t love my children”.
He smashed the third bottle, “you are the reason I don’t have a decent job”.
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full.
He hesitated for only a moment and said, “you stand aside, I know you were not involved”.