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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

My son's music teacher called me up and said looks like we have a new Elvis on our hands.
I said "wow is he that good?" She said "no we just found him dead in the toilet"

What.... to soon?
 
For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on holiday in the summer.
Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.
 
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
 
In 1988 Enzo Ferrari, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Ferrari flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Enzo," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Enzo felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge mansion painted white with blue trim, a carbon fiber sidewalk, a 50-foot-tall flagpole with an enormous Shelby flag, and in every window, a Shelby logo sign of every imaginable type.

Enzo looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good manufacturer, my cars won LeMans and F1 championships, so why is Carroll Shelby getting a bigger and better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Enzo, that's not Carroll's house, it's mine!"
 
Little Johnny went with his mother for the first time to deliver lunches to the elderly.
Little Johnny kept starring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
He said, very softly, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
 
Employee Performance Review Comments.

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
 
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
 
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'
The first one gets really excited and says,
'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the
same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his member in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……
A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ? ”
 
People say that certain types of music can take you to another place. This is very true; I was in the pub the other night and a Justin Bieber song was playing on the jukebox, so I went to another pub.
 
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