• Hello there guest and Welcome to The #1 Classic Mustang forum!
    To gain full access you must Register. Registration is free and it takes only a few moments to complete.
    Already a member? Login here then!

Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive heavy metal blast from my neighbours’ house

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.
 
Henry Winkler was flying from London to New York and started to feel cold.

He requested a blanket and pillow from the flight attendant.

Upon returning with these items the flight attendant asked, “Would you like some headphones?”

“I would love that!” he replied. “But it’s pronounced ‘Fonz’.”
 
I'm posting this with a heavy heart...☹
I am giving away all my hobby materials, as I no longer have the desire to do anything with them. It is a lot of work with very little recognition. I am extremely tired, and have very little time to use them ...
Please don't ask any questions, as I can't handle talking about it anymore.
Below is a list of materials available.
Serious enquiries only please.
Thanks for reading and understanding.
Pick up only

1. Dustpan and broom
2. Sponges
3. Dusters
4. Mop and bucket
5. Window cleaner
6. Vacuum
7. Dishwashing liquid
8. Laundry detergent
9. Fabric softener
10. Laundry baskets
11. Toilet brush
12. Cleaning sprays
13. Scrubbing brushes

Private message me if interested...
 
A distraught widow receives the terrible news that her husband met his maker by diving into a vat of Guinness at a beer factory. As tears fill her eyes, she wonders if he passed away quickly. The gentleman delivering the news assures her that he did not suffer long, but he did climb out of the vat three times to use the bathroom!
 
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."
 
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like mechanics... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable. "
 
O'Rourke, the barber, was hearing complaints from his customer about the price of his services. “I tell you O'Rourke, you Dublin barbers have a stranglehold on the citizens. I was in New York just last month, and you charge me double what they charge there.”

“That may be true, Sir,” said the barber, “but think of the airfare.”
 
My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday.

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation. We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
 
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!", She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
 
During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:

A woman
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David

The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:

"We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman.' "
 
A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.

A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”
 
GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
This is so true.
I love to hear them say, "You don't look that old."
------------------------------ ---
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place !!)
------------------------------ ---
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful.
But being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too...I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
 
Australian banks are offering the gift of a free pencil-sharpener in gratitude for the 36 billion dollar profit they got out of customers last year.

It is designed to reflect the friendly and even intimate relationship that the banks have built up with the Australian public.
 

Attachments

  • 1723352659438.png
    1723352659438.png
    78.4 KB · Views: 0
LETTER FROM THE SCOUT GROUP:
Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great.
We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus.
He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top