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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, “I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result. I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The Instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "| gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler which I've never seen done in my entire career".
 
The largest condom factory in the States burned down.
President Biden: was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Biden: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship condoms in from Mexico."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?"

Biden:: "Okay, I'll call Justin and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Biden: ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested... All colored with red maple leaves and in small writing saying: Made In Canada/Size: Small.

fd
 
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."
 
A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and said, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He looked to the third mother and observed, "Your obsession is with alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the last mother quickly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy doesn't know what he's talking about. We have to pick up Peter and Willy at the Johnsons’ and go get dinner."
 
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”

She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.
 
Fox News actually saved my life. I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
 
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don’t want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, “I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a bitch”. The husband stops and says, “I don’t understand, do you want me to stay”
 
Bloke goes into a diner and sees the special of the day is chili. Waitress comes up and asks what he'd like and he says, I'll take a bowl of that chili. Waitress apologizes and says we sold out, that guy, pointing next to him, got the last bowl. The guy says okay that's fine I'll have a Dr pepper for now.

He looks at the guy who isn't touching the chili and asks if he can have it. The guy says absolutely and slides it over across the bar. The man is digging in just loving the chili and gets about half way, sees a dead rat and pukes it back into the bowl. The guy who gave it to him says, yeah that's as far as I got as well.
 
Driving down the road today.

I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many gynecologists are on the roads.
 
A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break.

He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense. “What’s wrong with this man?” The pharmacist asks his assistant. “He has a terrible cough!” The assistant replied. “And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.”

The customer gives a soft groan as the pharmacist looks horrified.

“You can’t prescribe laxatives to treat a cough!”

“Well of course you can,” replied the assistant. “Look at the customer, he’s far too scared to cough”
 
The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked" Oh mon dieu, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American savage should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'!
 
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.

That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;

“What’s for dinner honey?”

No answer. He moves closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still no answer. He moves even closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

fd
 
A man got worms in his stomach so he went to all the doctors available but non could give him the proper treatment so he decided to go to some wise old man , the man told him " simple , go and buy the sweetest watermelon you can buy , cut it in half and sit on it , Naked . So the leader of the worms would go down to taste the watermelon and he would like it so much that he will invite the rest of the worms to eat , and you are done ".

The man decided to do as told , he went and bought the most sweet watermelon he could ever buy , cut it in half , took off his clothes and sat on it naked as told.

The worms leader went down to taste and found it super delicious so he called his friends and said " YO guys , this watermelon is awesome ! Come help me take it up "
 
I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.

He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.

I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!
 
A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees something gaining on him in his mirror, fast. He just barely catches a glimpse of the little girl on her bike as she shoots past him. "She must be going 80 miles per hour!" he shouts, and shifts into a higher gear, pushing the car even faster.

He quickly blasts past her as if she were standing still. But again, just a few seconds later, she shoots past him, now doing over a hundred miles an hour on her little bike. Going so fast, sparks and smoke are streaming from her training wheels.

After another few seconds, he comes to a curve where he sees the little girl crashed in a heap on the side of the road. He pulls over and jumps out to see if she's okay. Miraculously she's survived. So he asks, "Why did you go so fast?"

Just as she falls unconscious, the little girl replies, "my streamers got caught on your mirror!"
 
I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.
 

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry.
I didn’t mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

fd
 
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