Aussie67
Well-Known Member
If men are only capable of concentrating on one thing at a time, how come women have two boobs?
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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
JD08
Active Member
My favorite:
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
I went into a diner that had a sign saying, "Breakfast served any time." I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade
“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”
The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.
“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”
The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!”
The stockbroker pause for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way. “Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?”
The little girl beams and says “Fifty bucks mister!”
The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay I’m gonna pass. You see? You can’t make a profit when no one pay your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?”
“Homemade brownies, ten cents!”
The stockbroker winces in frustration. “OK look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about ten cents including the margin cost of your stand.” He takes out a dollar. “I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup.”
The little girl shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!”
“You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy ten of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.”
“Okay!” The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate.
Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…what did you put in these?”
She grins happily and says “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!”
“This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!”
The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”
“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”
The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.
“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”
The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!”
The stockbroker pause for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way. “Look sweetie, I know you’re trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?”
The little girl beams and says “Fifty bucks mister!”
The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay I’m gonna pass. You see? You can’t make a profit when no one pay your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?”
“Homemade brownies, ten cents!”
The stockbroker winces in frustration. “OK look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about ten cents including the margin cost of your stand.” He takes out a dollar. “I’ll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup.”
The little girl shakes her head and smiles. “No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!”
“You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I’m going to buy ten of your brownies, I know you’re losing money on them, and I’m not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I’m trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson.”
“Okay!” The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate.
Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…what did you put in these?”
She grins happily and says “It’s my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and goat pellets!”
“This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!”
The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaim “I want to join your biker club!”
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she would be allowed to join.
So the biker asks her “You have a bike?”
The little old lady says “Yea, that’s my Harley over there” and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asks her “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady says “Yea, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker was impressed and asks “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?”
The little old lady says “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”
She proclaim “I want to join your biker club!”
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she would be allowed to join.
So the biker asks her “You have a bike?”
The little old lady says “Yea, that’s my Harley over there” and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asks her “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady says “Yea, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker was impressed and asks “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?”
The little old lady says “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
An old guy is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cellphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway."
"It's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"
"It's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
subpar63
No good deed goes unpunished
Betty was a little old lady who was always cheerful and quite happy with her life…
… but lately she had started having a bit of a problem.
One day she goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent.“
The doctor replies, “Is that so?”
Betty continues, “Yes! As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting, because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
Betty goes home and takes her pills as prescribed, and suddenly she starts seeing some big changes in her everyday life. The next week she goes back to the doctor.
“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts… although still silent… stink terribly.”
The doctor nods and says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.
… but lately she had started having a bit of a problem.
One day she goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent.“
The doctor replies, “Is that so?”
Betty continues, “Yes! As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting, because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
Betty goes home and takes her pills as prescribed, and suddenly she starts seeing some big changes in her everyday life. The next week she goes back to the doctor.
“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts… although still silent… stink terribly.”
The doctor nods and says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.
subpar63
No good deed goes unpunished
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....(yep, sure are)
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....(yep, sure are)
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
An American is visiting his British cousins farm and he is somewhat underwhelmed by its small size.
The American explains, “At my ranch, I can get in my truck at first light, drive in a straight line all day, and by nightfall I still haven’t left my own land.”
To which his cousin replies, “Yeah, I had a truck like that.”
The American explains, “At my ranch, I can get in my truck at first light, drive in a straight line all day, and by nightfall I still haven’t left my own land.”
To which his cousin replies, “Yeah, I had a truck like that.”
subpar63
No good deed goes unpunished
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Every year, Jim entered the state lottery hoping to win.
He never did. One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair. A flash of lightning struck him as he was passing by Nadine's carnival booth. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt cheeks.
He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a sign.
He lost again....... Sad.
The winning number was 707.
Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.
He never did. One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair. A flash of lightning struck him as he was passing by Nadine's carnival booth. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt cheeks.
He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a sign.
He lost again....... Sad.
The winning number was 707.
Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
The next time your wife gets angry.............
Drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and say, "now you're SUPER ANGRY! "
Maybe she'll laugh.
Maybe you'll die.
Drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and say, "now you're SUPER ANGRY! "
Maybe she'll laugh.
Maybe you'll die.
.
Sent from my moto x4 using Tapatalk
Sent from my moto x4 using Tapatalk
janschutz
Corn Hauler
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...
I just bought a TV & it said "Built in Antenna". I don't even know where that is.
I just bought a TV & it said "Built in Antenna". I don't even know where that is.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A man rolls through a Stop sign…
An officer sees this, and pulls the man over.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?” The officer asks.
“No sir,” the man replies.
“Then please step out of the vehicle,” the officer commands. The man complies, and the officer starts rapidly beating him with his baton.
“Ow ow stop! Stop!” The man cries out desperately.
The cop says, “Oh, would you like me to stop, or just slow down?”
An officer sees this, and pulls the man over.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?” The officer asks.
“No sir,” the man replies.
“Then please step out of the vehicle,” the officer commands. The man complies, and the officer starts rapidly beating him with his baton.
“Ow ow stop! Stop!” The man cries out desperately.
The cop says, “Oh, would you like me to stop, or just slow down?”
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
CEO of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden
He is currently assembling his cabinet.
He is currently assembling his cabinet.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Two blokes walk into a bar
"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one bloke to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the blokes friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"
"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one bloke to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the blokes friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Insanity is hereditary
You get it from your kids
You get it from your kids
I have been in many places in my life but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends and family. I live close so it's a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says it is on the list...
How about you ???
fd