Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

HOW TO TELL BOYS AND GIRLS APART
(According to a 5-year-old.)
One chilly afternoon in November, I picked up my kindergartener from school. She climbed into the back seat, bursting with excitement.
“We learned how to tell boys and girls apart today!” she announced proudly.
Trying not to panic, I glanced in the mirror. “Oh really?” I said, bracing myself.
“Yup,” she said confidently. “Boys have a thing, and girls don’t.”
My hands tightened on the wheel. “Well... I mean… that’s... technically true,” I muttered, already regretting asking.
“And girls know boys are boys because of that thing,” she continued. “It kinda hangs down and moves when they walk.”
I suddenly wished we lived closer to school.
Then she said, “And when a boy sees a girl, he puffs up! Just like that!”
I blinked. “He… what now?”
“He puffs up! And that’s how the girl knows he likes her,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Then they get married… and then they get cooked.”
Cooked???
I was speechless. Not that I could’ve formed a sentence anyway. But once we got home, she pulled a piece of paper from her backpack.
“I drew a picture of it!”
Curious—and a little afraid—I looked.
And there it was: a big, proud, crayon-colored TOM TURKEY, all puffed up with feathers fanned and that famous red snood dangling over his beak like a badge of honor.
I laughed so hard I had to sit down.
She was slightly offended until I told her I loved it—and I truly did.
And while that was the end of it for her… I’ve never looked at turkeys, or men, quite the same way since.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.

When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie."

The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.

More a Brirish joke really.

A Irishman was walking through a field and sees a man drinking from a pool of water with his hand.

He shouts "Ná ól an t-uisce, tá sé lán de chac bó" (don’t drink the water it's full of cowshit).

The man shouts back "I’m English mate, speak English, I don’t understand you"

The Irishman shouts back "Use both hands you’ll get more in"

Everyone - except one person - was appalled when little brother announced at a family gathering that when he grew up, he wanted to be a racist.

Big brother was smiling, because he was the one who told little brother that people who drive race cars are called racists.

A guy tells his buddy, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?” “She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”

The Doc says am not allowed to lift anything heavy so now I have to pee sitting down....

John was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop & sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For 15 dollars, I can read your love line & tell your romantic future."

John readily agreed & took a seat at the palm reader's table.

"I can see that you currently have no girlfriend." she said.

"That's true," said John.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," John shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me."

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”