Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

[Aussie67]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”​

 

[funkaholik]

 

[Aussie67]

Don't know if you guys get the antiques roadshow over there, but.

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antique Roadshow.

"Wow" said the Presenter "This is a very rare set of dogs produced by the celebrated John's Brothers, taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last Century"
"Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?"..... said Paddy

 

[Mach1 Driver]

That's a real groaner. We get the US and UK version of the roadshow, where we get to see things like Queen Victoria's nickers.

 

[funkaholik]

 

[funkaholik]

 

[funkaholik]

And, just to be fair, a counterpoint:

 

[Aussie67]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”​

 

[FordDude]

fd

 

[Aussie67]

Hey fd long time no hear.

 

[funkaholik]

A guy asked a girl in a university library; "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice; "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All the students in the library stared at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"

All the students in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ear; "I study Law and I know how to make someone look guilty."

 

[funkaholik]

Possibly the best business name ever.

 

[Aussie67]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

 

[Aussie67]

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all," asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied, "We're called the Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."​