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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office:
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher, i sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs."
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied. "Diesel Fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.
He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained....
"Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says "Yep, diesel fitter."​
 
Two pals who had a double wedding 8 years ago were talking in the pub. One said ”Why is it that we both got married on the same day 8 years ago and I have 8 kids and you have none?” His friend said: “It’s simple – I always use the safe period” the first man said “When’s that” his pal replied “When you’re on nights”
 
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street, when a car pulled slowly up alongside of him, and the male driver slowly wound the window down and kept pace with him as he walked.

After a few moments, the driver calls out to the boy, "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car..."
The boy replies sharply, "No way, get stuffed!"

Still slowly following him, the driver said, "How about a bag of lollies and £10 then, if you get in?"
Clearly even more annoyed at this, the boy retorts, "Are you deaf or something?" "I said no way!"

Ignoring this, the driver persisted, still rolling slowly along, to keep up with the walking boy.
"OK - What about the bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID then, eh"?
Angered by the driver's continued offers, the boy tells him, "Look, for the very last time, No!, I'm not getting in the fricken car!"

Seemingly unfazed by the boys repeated refusal, the driver continues, "OK then, I know what you want..."
"I'll give you £100 and the bag of lollies if you just get in the car for me."
Furious now, the boy leaned into the car window and screamed at the driver, "NO! NO! NO!! - get it through your thick skull!"

"I'm never getting into that car with you!"
This time, with a long sigh, the driver simply asked the boy, "Look, what will it take to get you into the car?"

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Tesla, you live with it."​
 
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object, in fact she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right, but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me paint brush."​
 
The teacher said..
Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.

"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. "Little Akio isn't from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, *"Oh sh**, we are screwed."*
Little Akio said quietly, "All Americans, 2020, "when the government quarantined the healthy and shut down America over a measly virus."
 
Have to think about this one.

Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know the secret.

"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."
Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck.
Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew.
"Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi."​
 
A married couple are driving along a motorway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, She keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues, 85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."​
 
Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards, forward, then backward again, and again. Her heart was pounding now, her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . finally . . . totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
 
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either.”​
 
A nurse on her way to work noticed a copper on a bridge with a speed gun and when she went under the bridge the copper pulled her over
Why the hurry he said?
I'm late for work.
What do you do he asked?
I'm a consultant anus stretcher.
What's that he said?
She said I have to put a finger from each hand in the anus, gently stretch it till I can get both hands in and stretch till it's about 6 foot
What do you do with 6 ft. Arsehole? he said puzzled
We stand them on a bridge with a speed gun.
 
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