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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Well unfortunately the cost of living has finally affected me. In order to offset the extra cost of food, electricity etc I need to make some money on the side. So here's to my new adventure.

I am proud to announce that I am selling adult toy's. I hope no one will feel too embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Just ask. Discretion is guaranteed. Ask for your's any time. I have everything listed below.​

Walkers
Wheelchairs
Oxygen tanks
walking sticks
adult diapers
teeth glue heating pads and more.
 
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog'. ‘His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, ‘Watch this.' He told Sniffer to ‘search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, ‘Good boy', and he turned to the man and said
‘ That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
‘Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
‘I like it!' said his seatmate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on the seat.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, ‘What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He's just found a bomb.'​
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.​
 
Aussie67 said:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.​
Click to expand...
I had to use Google to find out what a "Ute" is o_O
 
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes: Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma​
 
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice:
“Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you.”
The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.
The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.
The voice shouted, “Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him
“Where are you?” the man asked “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked “Where were you when I got married last week?”
 
Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight..?"
"No fecking way..!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going back home to my Mother!!
 
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees!
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone!
He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his mobile phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph!”
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions!
The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!"
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?”
Aircraft: “The **** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!”
 
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