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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A friend of mine visited her brother who lives in Australia. I told her to make sure she asked him what team he rooted for.
 
Ding Dong
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

fd
 
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our fecking house!!"
 
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of discomfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
 
"Dad, can I have some money?" asked my 13-year-old son today as he headed for the door. I said, "It depends, where are you going?" "To see a girl." he replied, "Oh yeah," I winked, handing him a tenner, "And who exactly is this girl?" "She's the cashier in the shop where I buy my fags." he replied.
 
The Greek god Zeus was flying over a Greek island and noticed a naked woman washing herself, so he swooped down and made love to her.
Then he said, "In 9 months you shall have a child and you shall call him Hercules!"
And the woman replied, "In 9 days you shall have a rash and you shall call it herpes."
 
Have been down with COVID for the past few days, so here's a short one for you.

The kids kept finding their Christmas presents we'd hid in our wardrobe and under our bed, and my wife said the only way to stop it would be to put them in the loft. I can still hear them crying though.
 
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So, I went to a psychiatrist and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
He suggested;
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I inquired.
"One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later I met him on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked.
"Well," I replied," at $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, the total comes to $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for only $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Nobody under there now!”
It's always best to get a second opinion!
 
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
 
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

Probably a repeat, but still funny. I wonder if I could get my wife to ride a helicopter with me. ;)

fd
 
So this man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay cheque.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Happy holidays ya'll
 
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