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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Every Sunday a man and his wife attend church. The man has a bad habit of falling asleep during services, so one Sunday his wife brings a hat pin and pokes him every time he drifts off.

The priest is giving his sermon and asks who gave birth to Jesus? The man is asleep wife jabs him and he blurts out "Holy Mary mother of God!" Priest carries on, asks who the savior is, man is sleeping again, wife pokes, he yells "Jesus Christ!" Later on in the sermon priest asks "Does anyone know what Eve said to Adam after the birth of their second child?" Wife jabs her husband and he yells "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll snap it in half."
 
Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang – he hit the pavement, the car flipped over and he went crashing through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.’
‘Wow! What a horrible way to die!’
‘No, no, he survived that. That didn’t kill him. So, after landing in my upstairs bedroom, he was lying on the floor covered in broken glass. Then he spotted the big antique wardrobe we have in the room and reached for the handle to try and pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when – bang – this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.’
‘What a way to go! That’s terrible!’
‘No, no, that didn’t kill him: he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawled out onto the landing. There, he tried to pull himself up on the banister, but under his weight the banister broke and he fell down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spun and fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.’
‘Gee! That is an awful way to go!’
‘No, no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled in to the kitchen, tried to pull himself up by the cooker, but accidentally reached for a big pot of boiling water. Whoosh! The whole thing came down on him and burned off most of his skin.’
‘Man! What a way to go!’
‘No, no, he survived that. He was lying on the ground, covered in boiling water, and he spotted the phone. He thought he’d reach for the phone to call for help but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall. Well, water and electricity don’t mix, so he got electrocuted – boom – 10,000 volts shot through him.’
‘Now that is one horrible way to go!’
‘No, no, that didn’t kill him. He survived that, he . . .’
‘Hold on now, just how the hell did Mike die?’
‘I shot him!’
‘You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?’
‘He was wrecking my house!’

fd
 
A wife asks her husband to buy a guard dog for their house.
The husband goes to the pet store and asks the clerk for a guard dog.
"I'm sorry," says the clerk. "We're all out of guard dogs. But we do have a guard cat."
"A guard cat?" says the confused husband.
"Yes," replies the clerk. "Allow me to explain." He puts a carpet on the floor and says, "Guard cat, the carpet!"
Suddenly, a cat jumps out of a pen and tears the carpet to shreds.
The clerk points outside and says, "Guard cat, the dead tree!"
The cat runs outside and reduces a large, leafless tree standing next to the sidewalk to a pile of sawdust. Convinced, the husband pays the clerk and goes home with the cat.
"Hey!" says the wife when she sees the cat. "I asked you to buy a guard dog!"
"This is a guard cat," explains the husband. "They were out of guard dogs."
"Yea, right," says the wife, rolling her eyes. "Guard cat, my ass."
 
Aussie67 said:
Covid restrictions....
I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.
They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.
I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.
Click to expand...
Actually, you need not worry about falling down, but you should look up for the falling anvil.
 
Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbors.
Now that I've calmed down, I think kidnap may have been excessive.
 

My wife just nudged me and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"​

I thought, that's a strange way to start a conversation.
 
Two old ladies were standing by the giraffe enclosure at the zoo. As a male giraffe stood by the fence, one of the old ladies announced mischievously: ‘I bet I could squeeze his balls from here.’ With that, she reached over and squeezed the giraffe’s balls hard. The giraffe’s eyes opened wide, and it bolted over the fence, out of the enclosure and ran off into the distance.
The zookeeper came rushing over. ‘What happened?’ he yelled.
‘I squeezed the giraffe’s balls,’ replied the little old lady.
The keeper said: ‘Well, you’d better squeeze mine too. I’m going to have to catch the bastard!’

fd
 
A guy went to the zoo one day, but while he was standing in front of the gorilla enclosure, the wind gusted and got some grit in his eye. As he pulled down his eyelid to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy recovered consciousness, the worried zookeeper explained what had happened, revealing that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means, ‘Fuck you!’ However the explanation failed to appease the guy and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his trousers, he hurried to the zoo and went over to the gorilla’s cage. He then tossed a knife, a party hat and a party horn into the gorilla enclosure. Knowing that the great apes are natural mimics, the guy put on the party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat lying on the ground, and put it on. Next the guy picked up the horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

fd
 
A retired man purchased a home near a school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.....

One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins every day on their walk home.

After a week, the old man walked out and greeted the kids again. However this time, he didn’t have a smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income." he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50¢ a day to keep you kids banging the bins.” The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my retirement checks yet so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25¢ to bang on the bins. Will that be okay?"

"That's it!?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25¢ a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days...
 
On vacation, a little boy asked his mother: ‘Can I go swimming in the sea?’
‘No, darling, you can’t,’ she replied. ‘The sea’s way too rough, there’s a dangerous offshore current, and this stretch of coastline is supposed to be plagued with jellyfish and sharks.’
‘But Daddy’s gone swimming in the sea,’ protested the boy.
‘I know,’ said the mother. ‘But Daddy has excellent life insurance.’

fd
 
Flying a Kite
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to the earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window I muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail!
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fl
 
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
 
A Swimming Competition
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms…”
 
In the beginning, God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down Into that valley. "Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that To him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

God explained it to Adam, and said: "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He Said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?' God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." Just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, Into the cave, and finds the woman.Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is It now?"

And Adam said.... “What’s a headache??”
 
A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam.

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
 
Paddy left very rural Ireland and went to work in London, leaving behind his aged parents, with strict instructions to write home as soon as he was settled in his digs.
Weeks passed and then one day a package arrived with a letter. It said
“Dear Mam and dad, I arrived safely and quickly settled into my new digs. The landlady is very nice and I felt at home at once because she even had a photo of me in my room which I’m sending ye to see how well I’m doing”.
His mother opened up the package and out fell a small hand mirror. His father picked it up and looked into it and said,
“I’m worried, sure he’s aged an awful lot since he went to England “.
The mother stood behind her husband and looked into the mirror and said,
“You’re worried, no wonder he’s aged so much, look at the old biddy he’s feckin shacked up with!”.
 
Sister Bernadette lived in a convent, a few hundred yards from Wayne’s liquor store. One day she asked Wayne for a bottle of brandy.
He said: ‘I’m sorry. Sister Bernadette, I can’t sell brandy to a nun.’
‘But it’s for the Mother Superior,’ she explained. ‘It helps with her constipation.’
Hearing this, Wayne relented and sold her the brandy. But on his way home that night, he saw Sister Bernadette staggering drunkenly along the road.
‘Sister Bernadette!’ he exclaimed. ‘Shame on you! You told me the brandy was for the Mother Superior’s constipation.’
‘And so it is,’ said Sister Bernadette. ‘When she sees the state of me, she’s going to shit herself!’

fd
 
It's 1061 and Chuck knocks on his prom dates door.
Her dad opens it and invites him in.
"So, you're taking our Betty to her first prom?" he asks, sternly.
Chuck nervously stutters "y-yes sir."
"She'll be down in a sec. But let's have a chat while we wait."
Chuck slumps in the nearest chair, waiting for the inevitable talk.
"There's something you need to understand about Betty," her dad continues.
"She loves to screw. I cannot count the times we've caught her screwing. If she had her way, she would screw all night and never stop. Do you understand?"
Chuck nods dumbly, unable to believe his luck. Then Betty comes down the stairs, and the young couple head out for their date.
A few minutes later Betty walks back in and says "TWIST dad, it's called the TWIST."
 
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