• Hello there guest and Welcome to The #1 Classic Mustang forum!
    To gain full access you must Register. Registration is free and it takes only a few moments to complete.
    Already a member? Login here then!

Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Inspirational quotes to live by until midlife got divorced
# Here's the original 7 quotes to live by:

1. Make peace with your past, so it won't disturb your future.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business.
3. The only person in charge of your happiness is you.
4. Don't compare your life to others. Comparison is the thief of joy.
5. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
6. Stop thinking so much. It's alright not to know all the answers.
7. Smile. You don't own all the problems in the world.

# After divorce:

1. Make peace with your ex, so they won't disturb your future.
2. What your ex thinks about you is none of your business.
3. The only person in charge of your happiness is you, not your ex.
4. Don't compare your ex to others. Comparison is the thief of joy.
5. Time heals almost everything. Give your ex time.
6. Stop thinking so much about your ex. It's alright.
7. Smile. Your ex's problems aren't yours anymore.

fd
 
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
 
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: 'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:
Johnny, she asks the question 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny replied"The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."
 
After reading about the awful harm being caused to the planet by plastic, I decided to leap into action.
I cut up all the wife's credit cards.
 
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
 
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska
 
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there
was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this day............
 
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologists? One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.
 
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
 
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. How are you getting there?"
"We're taking British Airways," was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

"British Airways?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome‘s Tiber River called Tesse.”

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special
and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in to the hairdressing shop. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of
BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited
on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job. And now it’s a jewel. The finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope. “

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who the fuck did your hair?"


fd
 
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, ” WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top