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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
JD08
Active Member
A farmer's rooster passed away and he went to get another. The salesman said Fred was the only had one left and he was half price because he was a terror on the chickens. The farmer figured it was worth it for the price and as soon as he got home Fred went to work. He ran in the first coop and all you heard was squawking and feathers were flying everywhere. After about 15 minutes, Fred ran out of that coop and into the other with the exact same result. The farmer went in the house for the night, leaving Fred to his activity.
The next morning the farmer went out and everything was peaceful. He looked up and saw a buzzard circling overhead and wondered if he'd lost some livestock. Then he saw Fred in the middle of the barnyard splayed out looking deader than a door nail. He walked over, looked down and said, "Fred, why couldn't you just pace yourself? You could've had a long life if you hadn't worn yourself out." Fred looked up at the farmer and said, "Shhhh, she's getting closer."
The next morning the farmer went out and everything was peaceful. He looked up and saw a buzzard circling overhead and wondered if he'd lost some livestock. Then he saw Fred in the middle of the barnyard splayed out looking deader than a door nail. He walked over, looked down and said, "Fred, why couldn't you just pace yourself? You could've had a long life if you hadn't worn yourself out." Fred looked up at the farmer and said, "Shhhh, she's getting closer."
Additional COVID-19 thoughts
Due to COVID-19, we are asking rioters to work from home and destroy their own property.
AND
New Monthly Budget:
Gas -- $0
Entertainment -- $0
Clothes -- $0
Groceries -- $1,624
AND
I told my suitcases that there would be no vacation this year. Now I am dealing with emotional baggage.
AND
I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus software started a scan of its own.
AND
You know what's really uncomfortable? A bra. But women wear one in public. Not for them. For everyone else.
fd
Due to COVID-19, we are asking rioters to work from home and destroy their own property.
AND
New Monthly Budget:
Gas -- $0
Entertainment -- $0
Clothes -- $0
Groceries -- $1,624
AND
I told my suitcases that there would be no vacation this year. Now I am dealing with emotional baggage.
AND
I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus software started a scan of its own.
AND
You know what's really uncomfortable? A bra. But women wear one in public. Not for them. For everyone else.
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
SEX AFTER DEATH A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact.
“Marion, Marion?”
"Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
“That's wonderful! What's it like there?”
"Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens!) Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
“No … I'm a ******* Rabbit in Arizona."
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact.
“Marion, Marion?”
"Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
“That's wonderful! What's it like there?”
"Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens!) Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
“No … I'm a ******* Rabbit in Arizona."
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Guy goes into a Chemist shop and asks the assistant for a packet of Condoms.
The assistant asks him what size condoms he wants.
Guy says that he doesn't know what size.
Assistant tells him to go out the back where he will find a board with a number of different sized holes that he can use to find out his condom size.
After a while, the guys comes back into the shop and the assistant again asks him what condom size he wants.
The guy says, "Bugger the condoms, how much do you want for the board?"
The assistant asks him what size condoms he wants.
Guy says that he doesn't know what size.
Assistant tells him to go out the back where he will find a board with a number of different sized holes that he can use to find out his condom size.
After a while, the guys comes back into the shop and the assistant again asks him what condom size he wants.
The guy says, "Bugger the condoms, how much do you want for the board?"
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"
Witty One Liners
01. Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don’t try to find us for at least 2 days. Love (not really), Me
.
02. (Name) thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”
.
03. I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”
.
04. Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday
.
05. (Name) is based on a true story. The characters and events in his life are real. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is pityful cause his life sucks
.
06. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception
.
07. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
.
08. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
.
09. I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
.
10. Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It’s not me — it’s you.
.
11. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
.
12. Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
.
13. Shonari I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
.
14. Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.
.
15. I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don’t have as many people who believe it.
.
16. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and paid just enough money not to quit.
.
17. Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any
.
18. Life is sexually transmitted
.
19. If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut
.
20. Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
.
21. Practice safe sex, Go screw yourself
.
22. This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me
.
23. Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant
.
24. Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery
.
25. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
.
26. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I’m a Pisces and she’s a bitch.
.
27. I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here
fd
01. Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don’t try to find us for at least 2 days. Love (not really), Me
.
02. (Name) thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”
.
03. I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”
.
04. Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday
.
05. (Name) is based on a true story. The characters and events in his life are real. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is pityful cause his life sucks
.
06. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception
.
07. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
.
08. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
.
09. I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
.
10. Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It’s not me — it’s you.
.
11. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
.
12. Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
.
13. Shonari I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
.
14. Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.
.
15. I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don’t have as many people who believe it.
.
16. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and paid just enough money not to quit.
.
17. Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any
.
18. Life is sexually transmitted
.
19. If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut
.
20. Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
.
21. Practice safe sex, Go screw yourself
.
22. This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me
.
23. Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant
.
24. Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery
.
25. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
.
26. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I’m a Pisces and she’s a bitch.
.
27. I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here
fd
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!
It will say ADIDAS in a minute.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!
It will say ADIDAS in a minute.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man’s supper and began whining and jumping up at him.
“Do you mind if I throw him a bit?” said the man to the lady.
“Not at all,” she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.
“Do you mind if I throw him a bit?” said the man to the lady.
“Not at all,” she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.