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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

Rodney wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "******* hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a soiled pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."
 
Prostitute says to Paddy do you want to sleep with me for 50 quid.

Paddy says well I'm not really tired but I could do with the money!!.
 
A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion.
He had sex with one of his patients and can no longer be in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money.
Even worse is the fact that he's still paying on his school loans.
This just goes to show how one little mistake can ruin your life.
Thoughts for him and his family.
He really is a great person and a brilliant veterinarian.
 
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new VW Golf, doing 90mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her makeup.

Now as a man, I don't scare easily..... but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked the sausage roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten my car using my knees against the steering wheel, It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell Into the coffee between my legs, which splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins", ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call...

Bloody Women drivers!!..
 
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in his life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.
 
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Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

“Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash.” “If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
 
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I recently had to use a public phone box in London, and was shocked to see a card advertising advertising a 'Spanking by a naughty nurse, any time'. No wonder my wife has been waiting for a operation for 18 months when these so-called healthcare professionals are willing to abandon their patients at the drop of a hat in order to attend to someone's sexual lustings.
 
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Fucing sticks" said Paddy.
 
Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever."
"10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."
"50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."
 
Random Thoughts
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forget to mention morons.

My wife says I only have two faults. I don't listen and something else...

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I'm going to stop asking "How dumb can you get?" People seem to be taking it as a challenge.

I may be wrong, but I doubt it.

I thought growing old would take longer.

To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

Of course size matters. Nobody wants a small glass of wine.

Never laugh at your own jokes. You are one of them.

Jesus loves you, but I'm his favourite.

A little gray hair is not much to pay for all of this wisdom.

Does running late count as exercise?

If I say I will do it, I will do it. There is no need to remind me every six months.

No, I don't need anger management. You need to stop pissing me off.

Don't judge me by my relatives.

Sorry I was late. I didn't want to come.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This crap isn't what I was expecting.

Everybody was thinking it. I just said it.

Some days, the supply of curse words isn't sufficient to meet my demands.

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W.T.F.

Science doesn't care what you believe.

On your mark, get ready, get set, go away.

You are about to exceed the limit of my medication.

I'm great in bed. I can sleep for days.

Four out of three people struggle with math.

I am who I am. Your approval isn't needed.

How can I trust you? You keep running away when I untie you.

Patience is a virtue. It's just not one of my virtues.

Pubs. The official sunblock of Ireland.

Remember, no-one's perfect. Everyone's ass has a crack in it.

If you can't laugh at yourself, let me do it.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, point me to the nearest bar.

Please be patient. Even a toilet can only handle one asshole at a time.

The older I get, the more everyone can kiss my ass.

Does running away from my responsibilities count as cardo?

My body is a temple: Ancient and crumbling. Probably cursed and haunted.

fd
 
Another Johnny joke
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raises his hand and says, “He is in Heaven.”

Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!” The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows it.

“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'”

fd
 
After working several year as a maid for the same family, she decided to ask the woman of the house for a raise.

the woman, a bit surprised asked: "How come you was asking for the raise in these times of global financial downfall?"

The maid says: Well, your husband always says than i clean the house better than you ever did.

The women says: "Did he really say that?"

"Yes" said the maid. "Also i cook way better than you."

the woman says: "Is that so?"

The maid says: "yes, your husband also told me that"

"What?!!?" says the woman.

"He did." The maid continued and said: "I am also way better in bed than you."

The woman says: "What.. did my b@stard of a husband also say that?"

"No." said the maid: The gardener did.
 
Paddy and Brigitte, a middle-aged couple, had drifted apart and the end of their marriage came one Friday night over a plate of fish and chips.

“It’s no good Brigitte, this marriage is a sham, I’m leaving you. I may be 57 years old but I’ve met a 19 year old who wants to be with me and I want to be with her”, said Paddy proudly.

“Well, well, well”, replied Brigitte scornfully. “She’s welcome to you. By the way, I’ve met a gorgeous young man of 19 who goes for older women. I may be 57 as well but he says I’ve got the body of a 25 year old. So, stuff you, Paddy, and just remember this. 19 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 19”!
 
The fella next door took going to jail really badly,He refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at everybody,and even smeared the walls with his own ****.

Thats the last time i ever ask him over for a game of Monopoly,,,
 
Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

He suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.'

'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.

'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other arsehole using my stuff...'

'What makes you think I'd marry another arsehole?"
 
If you think, for one second, you’ve got a bad job, on your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. I want you to go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice there is a disclosure in very fine print that reads:

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Have a wonderful day knowing that, no matter how bad it is, there is always a job that’s more of a pain than yours.
 
It's always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope.

Except, when you're in prison!!.
 
Barry had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Barry's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Slick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Barry, stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned!

Slick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Barry went to see his Grandmother, "Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Barry's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya feking idiot!!
 
A newlywed couple and their families were in court. The judge was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier.

"Your Honor, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was dancing and celebrating. As you know,... it's traditional for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her during the second song. After that, the music STILL continued, so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful kick in the crotch and a couple of punches to her breasts."

"Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge.

"You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke six of my fingers and gave me a fat lip!",
 
​
Men are Happier
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know s tuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.99 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

fd
 
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