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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk . . . naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
 
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

fd
 
Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye..
 
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly. I burst into tears.

"Come on, man, I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man cry."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's you​
 
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'
 
A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.
“That’ll be Mary,” said the madam. “Go to Room Four, and I’ll send her up.”
“Fine,” said the lumberjack,” and tell her to bring a couple of beers.”
In due time, Mary appeared.
She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy.
“No! No!” exclaimed the lumberjack. “In the bed, the old-fashioned way!”
“Sure, pal,” grunted Mary, “but I thought ya might want to open them beers first.”

fd
 
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
A while ago a new supermarket opened on the coast. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
 
Mom: Wake up, son. It's time to go to school

Son: But why? Everyone in the school hates me, I hate that place

Mom: Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school

Son: Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?

MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
 
When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.
 
Amber Heard's lawyer was concerned about the lack of tears from her client when supposedly crying.

"Surely you can squeeze one out?" she said.

As the courtroom was evacuated, her lawyer shouted "That's not what I meant Amber!!''
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My wife is an angel sent from heaven. I woke up this morning in the bath after apparently drinking too much last night. If she hadn't been there to help me out of the bath I might have fallen on the chainsaw that was idling on the floor. Why she was wearing an apron and rubber gloves I have no idea?
 
My son just asked me where poo comes from, I gave him a detailed explanation, where he then stood in stunned silence.

Then he asked, “What about Tigger?”
 
It was the first day of grade school, and the teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on a choo-choo." "That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we use grown-up words. We don't say choo-choo, we say train."

The next child raised her hand and said, "I had to have an operation on my tummy this summer." "I'm sorry to hear that," said the teacher, "but remember, now we use our grown-up words. We don't say tummy, we say stomach."

Little Johnny raised his hand, and the teacher reluctantly called on him next. He stood up and said, "This summer I got to go to Disney World and meet Winnie the Shit!"
 
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