Hurricane Preparedness Plan

[Fast68back]

We are again in the hurricane season. You may soon be turning on the TV and seeing a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
 
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana and Texas . If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by 'the big one.' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1 - Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
 
STEP 2 - Put these supplies into your car.
 
STEP 3 - Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
 
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana and Texas . We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
 
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
 
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
 
(2) It is located in Nebraska .
 
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana or the Texas coast, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
 
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
 
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
 
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December before you can use them again.
 
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
 
'Hurricane-proof' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska .
 
Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
 
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ' Louisiana ,' you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
 
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Our tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who get the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

BEER & ICE


23 flashlights

BEER & ICE
 
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

BEER & ICE
 
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

BEER & ICE
 
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

BEER & ICE
 
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through the last storm; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
 
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
 
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
 
Good luck, and remember -- It's great living on The Gulf Coast....

[daveSanborn]

Now that was funny.  The sad part is... it's all true.

[Midlife]

What amazes me is that everytime there's a threat of a storm, folks rush to the grocery store and buy three things:

1. milk
2. bread
3. toilet paper

It amazes me why toilet paper is so essential during a storm.  The shelves of toilet paper at the grocery store are completely empty.  Why?  Beats me! 

And yes, the weather forecasters are great at saying "don't panic" and "OMG, you're about to die, so stay tuned!".  They have a vested interest in keeping folks watching THEIR weather reports and not the other station's reports, so they hype everything up so that Armageddon is just about the corner.  Please folks, winds of up to 60 mph are easily handled by almost any reasonable structure, and flying missiles at 60 mph just really don't happen (that is, unless your neighbor has a cubic yard of ping pong balls laying about).  The area around a Cat 5 hurricane has winds up to 60 mph of about 100-150 miles wide, and that's the only region you really really have to worry about.  Yes, there may be a stray tornado laying about, but the chances of being hit by one are fairly small.  The real danger is simple water: storm surge right at the beach.  During Katrina and Rita, inundation by storm surge went about 1/4 to 1/2 mile inland, so if you are right at the beach, get away!  Other than that, local flooding is more likely, and you should know if you get that based upon your thunderstorms and associated rain.  If you live by a bay that is connected to the ocean, storm surge can also get you by the piling up of water due to the winds.  Again, try and stay at least 1/2 mile away from the edge of these bays. 

And don't forget to buy more toilet paper.  The prices may go up 3x due to the threat of a storm.  Buy now before it's too late!

[Starfury]

Eheheheheh....  I laugh at you all, from my place in CA :D

[Midlife]

Eheheheheh....  I laugh at you all, from my place in CA :D

On the other hand, earthquakes WILL swallow you up in a big crack and never let you out!

[cmayna]

The only earthquake we have is after that big old nasty burrito.

[Johnny M]

I laugh at you ALL......the worst natural disasters we get over here are the farts you get after a hard night on the Guinness....They can actually kill...